Thanksgiving … Not Living.
I sat here today. Alone. I had some amazing friends invite me to their family functions … Partly I didn’t go because I’m sick and have a 16 hour work day ahead of me on Corporate America’s Favorite Holiday and Partly because, regardless of what they think, I feel like I’m intruding. I thought at my age that I would have a family of my own. One to create holiday traditions and have chaotic and remembered celebrations. Its a pain that is not understandable to some, and better to not stir up those emotions if they can be avoided.
As I sat here in tears, I couldn’t help but let him cross my mind continuously. Why does he get that option … only because I let him … and I cannot figure out how to get it to stop. I hate him. Strong words? Yes. Necessary? Yes. For right now he deserves something more than hate. I know that people do not purposely start a relationship with the intent to destroy it. Cheat. Lie. Make each other miserable. But he did. He knew he was fucked in the head. He knew he was incapable of staying true. He knew that he would eventually fuck things up. He took no course of action to change. To get help. To become a better person. The whole “Love is a Gamble” thing just made sense to me. I just want to have a fucking day where he doesn’t cross my mind. Good or Bad. I just want to move on. Effectively. As a Whole person. Honestly. I want to be able to trust people. Love Someone Again. I want that family I dream about. So these holidays don’t have to be so lonely. My thoughts turn into rambles once again … I’m going to figure this out. Soon.
